Stand-up

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- A. Whitney Brown

"I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds."
-Wendy Liebman

"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone."
-Elayne Boosler

"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison."
-Tim Allen

"I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name...'"
-Mike Binder

Stand-Up by Nicotext: It's bursting at the seams with the best quotes from the world's funniest comedians. Totally brilliant. Enough said.